Tyring to be not too hard on myself, but man, you'd think that I could be a little smarter. Such a fine line I between just right and too much. I drank red wine last night with dinner and then kept drinking wine while I was writing and woke up feeling less than optimal. My neck is stiff and I feel tired and a little sad. Mental health is so fragile. Physical health too. Of course, they go hand in hand. But anyway, I have so much I want to do and feeling crappy can reduce productivity. I won't let it. I'm writing anyway. Tomorrow morning I'm surfing with a friend. I'll drink less or nothing evening and get a good night's sleep. There's a good reason to not drink during the week. Sometimes I take my own advice. Often I don't.
When I feel too pickled, I take a break. Sometimes the break is a few days, sometimes a few weeks, sometimes a few months. I always feel good when I do, when the initial couple days of craving and withdraw are over. There's a lightness then, a relief. Less achiness. More energy and optimism. And of course, better sleep and clearer dreams. I always come back to the sauce, but I also think that's good for me! That might seem contradictory. Alcohol isn't good for us, not physically. There is not one positive physical thing alcohol does for us. And yet, for me it's good for socializing. Not because I have social anxiety; I don't. But most of my friends like to have a drink with me. I'm fun to have a drink with!

But I take breaks and the way I feel today, I'm probably due for another one.
I've been going back and forth on this drinking thing for a few years. I fell under the influence of Holly Whitaker's Quit Like A Woman, which led me to more sobriety books like Annie Grace's This Naked Mind and Allen Carr's The Easy Way to Stop Drinking. I'm happy for anyone who has decided they're done with alcohol, especially the true alcoholic. I have seen people's lives diminished and others destroyed by alcohol. My dad was never able to stay sober and his life was tragically cut short (he died at 53, the age I am right now).

But I also wonder if people like Whitaker, who clearly felt like alcohol was doing more harm to her life than good and so therefore quit, are persuading people, especially women, to quit drinking, even if they are not really abusing alcohol, even if they are not bona fide alcoholics or don't have a drinking problem.
But then, I remember talking to a student of mine who was vegan and I asked her once why she felt the need to label herself a vegan. And she said being a vegan was actually pretty hard--it was a sacrifice. It was something she believed in and so she held to it. And identifying as a vegan made it clearer in her mind that there wasn't a grey area, that she woudn't have just a little cheese or butter or honey or eggs or cream or bacon. (Oh my god, I think those are my six food groups.) And so perhaps it is similar for the non-drinker. Personally, I find it easier to not drink at all than to try to drink a little. Plus it takes a lot of brain power to always be navigating it. Take it off the table, you're freeing up a lot of mental and emotional energy.
In my early twenties, I asked a non-drinking friend of mine if he thought I shouldn't drink. He said, "Just never drink so much that you have to quit entirely." So that's been my goal. In another world, another life, I would probably be a meditating teetotaler, a bodhisattva.

For now, I'm just here and just me, riding that fine line, trying to be gracious with myself. But not too gracious.
Comments